Dolls and Ostriches

Eli split as a sad child when ▯▯▯▯▯ was ████ing us, to indicate that he made us feel small and broken. He was haunted by Monster when he tried to sleep, an escalation of █████ to force us to leave stressful relationships.

When ▯▯▯▯▯ left, there were three additional splits. Jazz split to keep ▯▯▯▯▯ away, and as such, he was a guardian/father figure for the parts of us that were most traumatized by him. These were Dollface and Ostrich, later Dea and Osric. Dea held my fear of abandonment, as ▯▯▯▯▯ threatened that a lot, but he also contains some of the gender nonconformity that ▯▯▯▯▯ was against in trans men (Barbie doll, pink). Osric felt bad about himself in the way that Frey did as he left things behind, and he particularly had a hard time wrapping his head around his adult memories. This represents Frey's complicated feelings with age, how he played the role of an older adult because no one else could, but he felt hurt and ashamed like a kid.

Things shifted as years passed. Eli's anxiety shifted into regular child tantrums and, oh, ████ ████ing to make me not just sit in the bad feeling, to actually get help. Osric grew more mature by having regular male childhood experiences. Dea found an adult friend to take him to the mall, one that wouldn't leave. When the threat arose again, the fear of abandonment was no longer who he was, just an activated part that we share. His gender nonconformity and passion for bright fashion leaked out into everyone else, and it culminated with being comfortable wearing a dress.

What about Osric, though? With the detachment of the concept of "protectors," it became clear that no one failed for continuing to be in an ███████ relationship, everyone was a victim. Frey became young at a beach, and the childhood passions started to come back. Osric represents lost childhood passions, Dea represents lost childhood gendered feelings, separated by masculinity and femininity.

[colors and pool water. it's rippling underneath the kaleidoscope. the water is swallowing you, pushing you into one and then none. you said you wanted to fuse. I didn't think you meant like this. the water breaks apart like flower petals around my waist.]

But don't go, stay with me. You can still exist, there's a reason to exist. You can be something new. We need a teenager that has fun. We need something, you're my babies. Please don't go. Why would I lose you?

Because you're supposed to.

[everything is white. the kaleidoscope is spilling into everything. I hold you in my arms and try to pull you back. you slip under the water again and again. there's only one of you now. your eyes are weary, but peaceful.]

But I love you. I don't want you to go. You shouldn't be able to go if I don't want you to. That's what they said before, that if you don't want to integrate you won't.

But you do want to integrate. I want to. You are me. We're the same.

[hands holding onto a pair of new arms. you're white like paint, and the kaleidoscope is spilling colors over your canvas. the petal water splashes like waves at sea. I want you to look at me. please don't stop looking at me.]

What will I do without you? What about our family?

You are your own family.

[the white is brighter than ever. your shadows blur into almost nothing, like pale gray outlines. your smile is weary, but peaceful. I'm losing my grip and you're not going to help me hold on. you're happy.]

Will you just be gone completely? No trace? It's just the soup that makes up Casper?

I don't think so. The part that still hurts stays with Eli. The part that can feel childlike happy stays with Cloud. The part that is still growing stays with Pepper and Pearl. The part that loves us stays with you. You are me. You are your own family.

[the kaleidoscope is above now, not all over and inside. the shifting lights hover overhead like a beautiful storm. these colors follow me everywhere.]

I don't want you to go. I'm already almost nothing. You're what makes me myself, Jasper.

You are almost everything. You're not going anywhere.

I'm not going anywhere. I am everything.

[you break apart into more flower petals. I try to hug you, but you're gone. I should feel like I'm hugging myself now. my arms are empty.]