Soldier

They announced that the war was finally over

The battle that nearly brought me to an end finally had its own finale

I returned home with deep markings and missing glasses

It's over

It's over, it has to be

It's over now, right?

There must be some kind of celebration, they told me

Where am I supposed to stand during it?

Do I really have a family?

Do I really have friends?

All I remember is the vast field of death

The face I knew in the mirror this morning was blank and gaunt

I cannot recognize it, and I cannot recognize the life I have today

Blood presses to the edge of my skin and cold fills my lungs

I'm hiding behind the frontlines of my mind

I felt my fate pointing a rifle at my back while it forced me to walk this line again

I told myself that I would die for this cause from the very beginning

But I never thought that I would really be standing here

At this table, my hands grip the cloth, a plate of death before my eyes

I followed the orders I set for myself

I did what I was supposed to, right?

Forgive me

Forgive me for all I've done to end up here

The lives that I believe I've ruined

The level of harm I've caused

Forgive me for all I've done, because I feel that no one else will

Please, forgive me, even though I may be completely unforgivable

I tried to give myself what I deserved, but I failed

Please forgive me for the life I buried underneath all my lies

The hidden intent when I said I was going to go to sleep

The things I avoided to waste myself away with poison

The secrets I kept so that I would be able to follow my orders

Forgive me for intentionally setting myself up to fail

And forgive me for my outbursts

Forgive me for my rage, my horror, and my bleakness

I made the orders for myself, and my mind pushed me to follow

I felt my whole body burning as I screamed and cried

I clawed and begged for an escape as I was pulled from my body

I can't unlive that, I cannot forget what I've seen and what I've felt

Forgive me for my memories

But for the love of God, don't call me a fucking hero

Don't call me a survivor as if I'm strong

Don't call me an inspiration when you don't understand the truth

I am not a saint and I never will be

I am not your trophy

I would not be here if I was not a sinner

I am just another mindless soldier

That's all I'll ever be