(2/8/26) I try hard not to worry about how my words could be misinterpreted in bad faith because if I did I'd never post anything but contextless artwork on this site, but I don't really like keeping up statements I don't actually believe are true because they were the result of me being midway through weed processing. nobody's gonna be able to tell I was high when I wrote those entries, so.

(2/8/26) also, if you saw a bunch of recent microblog entries that aren't here--no you didn't.

(2/8/26) added a comment section to my blogs because I'm done being a coward about my more strongly-held opinions

(1/29/26) all my writing now has a comments section except for the blogs, because the only thing that makes me comfortable enough to write them is knowing I won't have to see someone's obnoxious, bad-faith takes about the subject matter

(1/29/26) frothing at the mouth because the stylesheet that came with my html comment widget barely styles shit and I had to pick apart the HTML after it's already on my website to see what secret styling the javascript shoves in there

(1/29/26) I am yet again trying to figure out how to format my art page, specifically the page you go to when you click a specific image. the long scrolling page was honestly just placeholder so that I didn't have a bajillion pages to manage. what I need is a base page that a javascript inputs the important things into. I also am realizing I would enjoy a comments section under my work, maybe only writing though? I originally told myself I wanted to avoid all interaction on the internet, but I have the power to delete comments when I don't like something and not be destabilized by something mean or creepy.

(1/29/26) it all stems from an unwillingness to take it slow or take breaks. I want to get to writing right away, but when I don't ease into stuff, I putter out without feeling the reward of finishing. when I *do* finish something, it drastically improves my mood, and just not giving myself the opportunity to feel that much means that I only get euphoria when I take an edible. not great.

(1/29/26) I have been struggling with emotionally shutting down lately. I don't normally need to take weed this often, usually preferring once or twice a month, but I've been taking it once a week to work through my anxieties for the past month. I try not to do that because doing weed that often can mess up my interpretatin of time passing, and therefore make my problems seem like they've lasted longer than they actually have (which is often just the day before I crash and take the edible). and I mean, I notice when it feels like the only thing to lift me up is weed.

(1/24/26) that's the good shit (self esteem)

(1/24/26) everything is so beautiful and I'm not even high :)

(1/24/26) I hope you know I'm real. I hope you see something in me that you see in yourself. I hope the writings in my blogs come to you like a chat with a friend that knows a lot about the world, but still wants to learn more.

(1/24/26) I'm getting the hang of writing blogs that touch on topics that have pissed me off for years without having it be part of the rage machine that is social media, and I think that's going to be pretty good for my mental health in the long run. for years I kinda just tried to avoid acknowledging it, but *God*, there is some really annoying stuff out there and simply telling myself that it doesn't mean anything is just gonna make me stew on it until I rot

(1/24/26) we gettin spicy

(1/24/26) why do they call them red onions when they are clearly purple. fucking idiots

(1/23/26) talking to gf about it and uhh we can't think of a single example of medical torture that actually contributed anything super meaningful to science. lobotomies proved that the part of the brain that got removed does what we thought it did and it makes you worse at doing that if you don't have it, cool. if you intentionally infect brown people with a disease, it makes them suffer from the disease, holy shit!!

(1/23/26) there are so many nightmarish human rights violations that were done to schizophrenics that the average person will just gloss over as part of history or even discuss as positive strides in scientific understanding while experiments done as part of genocide are obviously seen as horrible and people often find it difficult to talk about, even when there were scientific findings that came out of it. and when I say schizophrenics I do include the gays, rude women, and otherwise neurodiverse people that were considered schizophrenic at the time

(1/23/26) also most lobotomies were done on women and the "schizophrenia" was not wanting your life to revolve around caring for children or being rude because your husband abuses you in a society that has normalized domestic abuse.

(1/23/26) I saw this video where a neurologist answered some questions a while back and there was this one part in it that just haunts me. he made a comment about how, while lobotomies are horrible, our use of them as treatment for schizophrenia at one point proved that mental illness is a real thing like diabetes or cancer. and it's like. I don't think it did anything but prove that it makes your life worse if an extremely large part of your brain is removed in adulthood. I think using nonconsensual brain surgery as a treatment for schizophrenia was just kind of a evil thing we did in the 30s. "they got to go home to their families" okay but their mental capacities were reduced to that of a child's and they knew it wasn't always that way but could do nothing about it. that's horrifying

(1/15/26) I was so high yesterday, can you tell

(1/14/26) mm,,, now I just really wanna make a better plurality mod in the sims 4. there's a DID mod but I wasn't ever really a big fan of it. obviously that's centric to DID and I wonder if there's a way I can sim-ify multiple types of plurality so that almost everyone could be included. there's a mod construcor for traits but last I tried to use it, I didn't understand programming or how to research it. now I could watch a tutorial and probably get it, though after a certain point I'd rather edit the code by hand than use a mod creator

(1/14/26) also every time I open the game there's a new feature at this point the game just feels insanely bloated. I haven't even gotten DLC since from back when there weren't kits or whatever. I didn't play other Sims games before this one, I never get the chance to even learn the basic system of THIS game before there's something new I don't understand.

(1/14/26) you know how there are some games that people forget about for a year, then play 40 hours of it when they remember it exists before moving onto something else until they remember it again? the sims 4 would be that for me, but the shit quality of EA games actively punishes me for having that kind of playstyle. the fact that I have to update the game every time I remember it, and the update takes 10-30 minutes while slowing down all other functions of my computer drives me insane.

(1/13/26) being a psych abolitionist with complex developmental trauma means you kinda have to be your own therapist. I have yet to find a therapist that can understand what is going on in my head better than I can and most of the time, working with a "professional" means I have to spend the whole week picking at why an assertion they made just felt wrong. I would so much rather my growth be driven by my own desire to move forward rather than an endless conflict with someone trained on case studies that aren't about people like me

(1/13/26) as I've been slowly picking apart how my compulsions work, I sometimes lament my inability to benefit from psychiatry beyond, like, ADHD treatment and some tools I siphoned off of shitty therapists. it still should be abolished, the problems with it go far beyond my personal experience, but I do envy the people that can be given a single diagnosis and have that make complete sense of their life struggles. figuring out that my anxiety patterns resemble OCD more than anything else right now wasn't really a revelation and a professional diagnosis wouldn't mean anything to me. it doesn't give me the tools to solve any problems because the treatment recommendations for that are CBT and medication, something I already know is ineffective for me.

(1/13/26) I always run into this problem where I really enjoy making a new page in terms of the HTML/CSS, and then as soon as it's time to actually put CONTENT on the page it's a slog

(1/13/26) toxic vegans really show their asses when they say that we should be testing drugs/cosmetics on incarcerated people

(1/9/26) update: I'm stupid, you can have two DOMLoadedContents and it's fine

(1/9/26) the fix here isn't super hard in theory, I just need a loading bar for when images are still loading, but uhhhh I'd have to use DOMLoadedContent for that and that's already in another script on every page where there's sidebars.

(1/9/26) the way images load on pages where there's a lot of them looks like shit :))

(1/3/26) I hate creating content warnings. my art is supposed to be up for interpretation and putting a name to the challenging material that I usual dance around in my writing on purpose takes away from its impact

(1/3/26) the goal obviously being crazy person with self-awareness, nothing more or less. I certainly don't want anyone to read my shit and think that a sane person wrote it

(1/3/26) there's "this was written by a crazy person" and "this was written by a crazy person with self-awareness" and it's a fine line I have to walk

(1/2/26) wehh taking down the big art page until I can get a javascript set up that will disable view of the stuff with content warnings on it until clicked

(12/27/25) my actual programmer girlfriend started coding a website herself and it encouraged me to actually fix all the bunk code on this site. now the theme is managed under a single CSS using variables and I actually pay attention to HTML structure (main, nav, etc) which makes fixing problems and adding new shit so much easier.

(12/27/25) I haven't used the microblog in a while, mainly because of the pain in the ass it is to manually update it... but I just updated my javascript so that what appears hear vs. the archive page is automated, meaning I only have to update one document whenever I want to use it, horray!

(12/5/25) welp. time to break every page so I can make them all better again

(11/29/25) "sorry codsworth will still call you mum while otherwise gendering you correctly unless you get this additional mod" jokes on you I'm into that shit

(11/24/25) idk how to even approach this

(11/24/25) I think I just need to redo the individual pet page entirely cuz it looks like shit :))) after I spent so long redrawing that background :))))))))

(11/24/25) I should probably just accept that the clipboard thing I wanted w/ the webkinz pet pages should not be adapted to mobile. idk I just hate it when pages are significantly less interesting on mobile but the alternative is that it kinda looks like shit

(11/24/25) coding for mobile is,,, HARD???

(11/18/25) every time I write about a character being suicidal it is in spite of the Half Life of Molly Pierce and every other portrayal of suicidality where someone is just fine until they abruptly want to kill themselves because of random contextless depression. and damn, writing in spite of something always makes the reward so much better

(11/18/25) every so often I'm just overcome by how deeply I love my current main character. yeah he goes for the throat when rejected but he loves so deeply and all he wants is for people to love him back. he also does too many drugs and gambles until his brain is mush. all my favorite blorbos are addicts. can you tell that I am also an addict

(11/17/25) some days are easy peasy and some days are a constant battle between self-regulating and overthinking said self-regulation

(11/10/25) I spoke too soon, it looks bad on firefox ahahAHHA!!! I have no fucking patience for Firefox limitations, I can't use webkit scrollbars and it constantly introduces some weird element that cannot be changed via CSS. I shouldn't have to use Javascript to change the basic appearance of a fucking markup language

(11/10/25) it just... works? my code never just works, holy shit

(11/6/25) gonna make ear ringing sound effect the music for this site

(11/6/25) gonna make 5 hours of silence being randomly broken by a metal pipe the music for this site

(11/1/25) I decided to make the webkinz shrine area not pixel art and oh my god it looks so fuckin CRISP

(11/1/25) "I don't really understand it, I just know that if it's not there, nothing works" - me explaining flex to girlfriend

(10/31/25) I'm trying to just focus on coding something without thinking about how it'll work on mobile at first because it'll drive me crazy to do that but my bones scream at me every time I do some stupid bullshit that technically works but definitely won't scale right. every time I get something to work by just balancing several different exact numbers instead of things that can be scaled I feel like I'm a drunk surgeon stapling body parts together, insisting that it LOOKS all fine and dandy without thinking about how the fucker will function once he's up and moving again

(10/31/25) is it common for someone's code to get worse once they kind of understand how things work?? I'm no longer directly referencing old code, I just throw shit at the wall knowing that one of three things will work. the webkinz section of my website is ass, I have like 3 separate media query things and I really don't fucking need that. I can have my website be adapted to mobile but I have to just accept that it'll look bad on some screens.

(10/26/25) painted a pompkin for Hallowed Ween because i fuckn hate carving them. I made it the trans colors and wrote "ERES QUERIDO" on it, since I live in a mostly Latino neighborhood. some part of me expects an edgy tween boy to smash it on Halloween, but my hope is that it'll mean a lot to maybe one or two kids that see it.

(10/22/25) I'm starting to realize I kinda don't care for having a page of adoptables that I found from other ppl's websites. I still like the idea of having my own adoptable page but with everything else, it's kinda meh, I just don't engage with other websites in this way anymore

(10/20/25) I get that everyone thinks their own code is bad but oh my god my code is straight up embarrassing sometimes. there are multiple pages on my site where I just have a centered box with a margin that scales with screen size and I do it differently every time. also, I keep whatever naming conventions the tutorial I referenced was using so nothing is standardized. however the good news is that I now fully understand how media query works, so I don't have to constantly reference previous code and try to figure out how it applies to the new thing I wanna do.

(10/20/25) I'm learning that Javascript is like, 30% initializing, 30% applying functions to the relevant elements, and 30% actual things I want it to do. not too hard honestly, at this point it's just about knowing the actual language beyond its structure

(10/10/25) *head in hands*... so firefox doesn't support webkit scrollbars

(10/10/25) I figured out how to genuinely make a custom div box using an SVG file as part of the assets, rather than just setting an image as the background. it's been so long since I've gotten confused by a coding thing to the point of dissociation, but DIDN'T give up and brought myself back by figuring it out. I still have some head pressure but i feel good :3

(10/9/25) honestly, I should've done this a long time ago but I hate change and I'll dig my heels for literally nothing. I had like 6 plugins on chrome specifically to target google search results' bullshit and for duckduckgo it's just in the by default. AND YOU CAN CHANGE THE COUNTRY THAT YOU'RE SEARCHING FROM!!! incredibly helpful for research!!!!!!

(10/9/25) decided I'm sick of it and started transitioning away from google products. one problem is that uhh, I kind of never delete emails, so I have way too much shit to just port it to proton mail right now. I also can't stop using google docs/drive because proton's alternative just isn't that good yet, but fingers crossed that it'll get there eventually

(10/6/25) I think I'm gonna drive myself crazy writing comments for every fuckin drawing I make. the problem is that I want it to have a page on my website still rather than just directing it to the file, but the page feels empty if there's no text. the solution here is probably to make a gallery page that is formatted more like the index page but still theme dependent... which means I have to make an additional Javascript file for the theme switcher that's exclusively for that page :)))

(9/27/25) I originally planned on having all my adoptables/things I've adopted in custom div boxes that change depending on theme and uhhh I think I gotta pull the plug on that idea because it's very scopey. I've been sitting on the final drawing for just the adopted food table for months and even opening the file makes me want to crash :'3 I'll just take the adopted/adoptable pages down while I fix them because otherwise they'll be broken for a while

(9/26/25) I really need to work up the nerve to work on this website again. I generally crash because I either gave myself too much to do at once or I abruptly don't like something major because I changed as a person since the time of making it. like, I realized that the way I write about myself here just isn't really how I view myself in real life. I have an identity alright, but I don't think of myself outside of the terms of my creations much.

(9/8/25) there i go crashin again!!

(9/4/25) nice argument, however I have already blown your back out in my immersive daydream where we are homosexuals in ancient Rome

(9/3/25) also, I'm stable enough to finally have a deep breath through my nose feel good and steady me. it's not the first thing I do when I'm stressed, but once I have a grip on things, I take a few deep breaths to finish calming down. I wish I could gift this kind of stability to people I love.

(9/3/25) I recently learned how to talk through my feelings with myself again, I just have to do it out loud and not frame it like a communication because as I've integrated I have started to have less and less declarative thoughts that are conveyed with words in my head. I have been spending more time outside than ever, because whenever I feel stuck on something, I just step out on the porch and talk.

(8/29/25) figuring out that I can just talk to myself out loud rather than trying to do internal communciation like I used to was a life saver, oh my fuck. because my anxiety ruminations are so messy and fucked up, it's like impossible to get out of them if I try to just turn them into distinct words in my head, but my actual voice can only be one voice at a time. talking out loud basically forces the tangled mass of thoughts into one steady thought. I also am learning to not give a fuck if someone sees me talking to myself on my morning walk regardless of if I have headphones in to make it look like I'm talking to someone on the phone

(8/27/25) fuck game launchers, all my homies hate game launchers

(8/26/25) there is no revenge sweeter than hitting an abusive person with an over-inflated ego right where it hurts, knowing that I'm able to do it because I have the same kind of brain and chose to look myself in the face instead of continuing the cycle. you don't have any power over me anymore, nice try though ;P

(8/25/25) found a guy on youtube who makes really cool 8 bit covers of songs I like, I have no idea what he looks like but I wanna make out with him sloppy style

(8/24/25) a few weeks ago I got misgendered as a binary man which was actually a first. I'm generally fine with cis people assuming I'm a man but I was buying shoes, specifically looking in the girl's section because I wanted velcro shoes that weren't masculine. I asked someone working there if they had bigger sizes (there's two kinds of kids shoes and one of them can fit me), the person told me I wasn't going to find velcro shoes that went up to that size and then said I should go to the men's shoes section for shoes that fit. I immediately clarified, "I would prefer to wear women's shoes." like, I'm currently in the girl's sneaker section, I'm there for a reason? the whole time she had this look on her face like she didn't know what to do with me and was terrified. and it took me a full day to accept that it was okay for me to feel misgendered by this interaction lol

(8/24/25) well. so the first calendar program I tried was an overlay of just the month and it was not easy to jump back. then I tried a different one, got so excited about the fact that I could automatically input holidays from a wide array of options, only to find that I not only could not view the year in full with the free version, but I couldn't turn off notifications??? and also I had no way of quickly jumping back in time. anyway I found a google sheets template where I can just change the year and it automatically puts the dates under the correct days, just gonna use that an insert notes whenever relevant

(8/24/25) downloading a shitty open source calendar program that doesn't do anything but be a calendar, no online connection, no emails, JUST CALENDAR because I'm sick of googling the school calendar of New Jersey in 2014 over and over (I don't have anywhere to write it down). it looked like ass on the website I got it from which is perfect, please give me ass programs that do one thing not very well

(8/22/25) had my therapist start reading my current writing because that's where the bulk of my processing gets done and they asked if I spoke spanish cuz there's a significant amount of spanish speaking in part one, but they said it like "I was wondering if that's another one of your skills" and it was really nice. making this website has made me feel a lot more competent, not because the website is a masterpiece or anything but because it gives me a space to share stuff I am proud of rather than what I think an algorithm will like, so I can hear a compliment like that and actually believe it :3

(8/22/25) love when I start writing an article about weird current events, and then as soon as I get to the historical context it's like oh fuck actually the whole thing has to be about this

(8/15/25) upon rewatching, Danny Phantom is more dated than I remembered. not just culturally, that's fine, but like. mmm some of those jokes a lil spicy in not a good way

(8/15/25) social media has always been the place to dump my art and I never feel much about it as a result, even when I post it here, but I feel good about the prose I just posted. I've never shared my prose on the internet before and having a dedicated space for it with essentially no expectation that people will read it or meaningfully interact with it feels good. it can't be for reward, which means I can just focus on doing what makes me feel proud of it instead of trying to game some fucked up algorithm. maybe it'll help me eventually feel better about drawing what I want to draw, too.

(8/15/25) I really need to fix some shit on this website ;w; I have a few div and image IDs that exist to do something that should've been default in what I already have but I wanted it done for the pages they were on so I just made a bandaid version instead of simply improving my original code. also the index is kinda... fucked? it's a centered box on a background and I have it set to only show the box part when on mobile, but because I was confused about how to manage flex properties without the guidelines of the rest of the site, it just looks like shit on smaller screens. the claw machine also scales a little weird but that's because it was originally a widget and I just did the bare minimum to make it work on my website rather than re-coding the whole thing (can you imagine)

(8/14/25) WE ARE SO BACK!!!!!

(8/12/25) I'm considering either changing the couple drawings I have of myself on my website to accurately reflect my IRL appearance or representing myself as the Jigsaw puppet. either of them will work to lessen body dysmorphia, because the current one is my (unachievable) ideal self whereas my IRL self is the way I actually am and the Jigsaw puppet is like. clearly not what I want to look like

(8/11/25) I really want an audio player on my website but the audio tag doesn't work in some chrome browsers and I am afraid of trying to use Javascript because I know I can't just copy and paste someone else's code without something fuckin breaking, I have to make it work with the rest of the script and that SUCKS

(8/11/25) my hungry ass could never lubricate train machinery with beef tallow

(8/10/25) just realized that I don't have to know absolutely everything about the beliefs within a political identity to refer to myself with the label. my anxiety be like "oh you think that there shouldn't be a State? explain how a Stateless society would function in detail or else you're stupid and should feel bad"

(8/4/25) cishet couple that has a scrapbook of all their low points in their living room

(7/28/25) went on vacation and remembered how to be my normal self in front of strangers. so much of the big text I write on this website is semi-formal and it makes working on it kind of taxing. I'm letting go of the idea that this will be a writing website, I'll definitely talk about my writing when it's up but as a published author I would have to have a more professional website anyway soooo LETS GO CRAZY GO STUPID. a bunch of pages are gonna go down shortly and this is why, when I need to make a chance this big I don't want the pages left up as I work on it one at a time

(7/17/25) sometimes my theme switcher fails to put a theme into the URL slot and breaks everything, and I don't even know why? it fixes itself with a normal refresh. sometimes the website also just gives me a "this site can't be reached" error before quickly fixing itself. I have seen this error on other neocities sites so I think it's more about the web host than anything in our codes, there's a good chance its the same with the theme switcher. hm.

(7/15/25) last night I looked up common transmasc names for research purposes and many of the people who google this do it because they don't want to pick a common name so I of course found content tailored to this mindset and uhhhhh it is insane to me that there are people out here like "you're smart for not wanting to choose the cliche transmasc names because everyone who does that is a cringe SJW" and the names to avoid they list are like, 2 common gender neutral names and then a bunch of masculine names that have been on the SSA's top 10 baby name list for 40+ years

(7/14/25) I got through about 11 characters for artfight before I lost steam. I was kinda hoping that I could do one character a day until the end of the month (excluding the week where I'm away from my computer), but I don't feel too bad about not getting as much done as I hoped, because drawing so frequently reminded me how to not worry about everything being perfect and stop crashing when it isn't. I have the energy to work on website assets again, so some of the placeholder graphics can go away soon (like the ID pictures on the VIPs page)

(7/14/25) every so often I wake up in a cold sweat over the fear that I've written something too cringe here to be accepted even by people who agree that you should be cringe if it's authentic and makes you happy

(7/13/25) I FOUND THE WEBKINZ DIAMOND??? THE RAREST GEM IN THE GAME??????

(7/12/25) I feel weird when people praise me for doing mentorship or being a prison penpal. they always frame it like I'm doing an act of charity, but I never feel that way? I'm still on the waiting list for a mentee but my penpals are my friends first and foremost, with the primary difference from my other friendships being a power dynamic that I have to be aware of. my history is involves instutionalization as well, I don't do this because I pity anyone.

(7/12/25) not me mixing up "they're" and "there" on the VIPs page,

(7/10/25) sometimes I want someone to study me because my brain does some crazy shit to adapt to problems. I've been unable to do basic addition without counting on my fingers or using a calculator for years and when it got to the point where my task was taking 10x longer than it should've because of it, my brain just fixed it. HUH??

(7/10/25) webkinz is held together with shoelaces and chewing gum I s2g. WHY AREN'T THE ROOMS CENTERED ON THE SCREEN WHY IS IT DIFFERENT EVERY TIME

(7/10/25) also I remembered how to do basic addition in my head so that's cool. turns out my only math disability really was just slow processing speed and my bio mom's torturous methods around making me do homework just convinced me that I was bad at math and couldn't rely on my brain to do it

(7/10/25) welp. I spent probably four hours working an HTML/CSS only slideshow, an hour of which was just doing arithmetic sequences wrong, and when it still looked like shit, I ended up just doing a marquee like I originally thought of. I won't say it was all time wasted though bc I grasped how to make it not break main by messing with the transformX percentages in the keyframe scroll instead of adding max-content to the width of the marquee like substack suggested (?? baffling decision)

(7/8/25) a guy in a home repair vehicle (idk what, I didn't look) asked me my number yesterday and I'm still chewin on it. it was gender affirming I suppose, because there's no way he saw me as the gender I don't want to be seen as by cis people... but now I'm second-guessing whether it was because he thought I was a gay guy or simply trans :/

(7/8/25) turns out I fucken hate keeping a log of how I updated the site so now this is a microblog. enjoy my weird, often contextless musings going forward