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Fiction Books

The Collection: Short Fiction from the Transgender Vanguard - published by Topside Press

my queer aunt gave me this book shortly after I came out, and for a while, I just put it on a shelf to collect dust. when I eventually felt comfortable in my identity, though, I decided to pick it up and give it a shot. reading it instantly kickstarted my love for anthologies. some people might brush it off for the mix of quality featured in it, but I see a lot of value in experimental and/or inexperienced writing that puts its plot and characters first. my favorite short story featured in this anthology is "Saving" by Carter Sickels, both because it does a lot of the things I aspire to do in my character-driven stories and because it spoke to some experiences that were pushed on me when I was early in my transition.

Bound in Flesh: An Anthology of Trans Body Horror - published by Ghoulish Books

after reading the collection, I was hungry for more trans anthologies. it turns out a lot of them are in the horror genre... I wonder why :P

every single story in this anthology had me at the edge of my seat, and I read the whole thing in probably three days. body horror often runs the risk of getting too needlessly gross, but I think that this anthology does a pretty good job featuring stories that carefully avoid that problem. my favorite short stories in it are "Coming Out" by Derek Des Agnes and "Fall Apart" by gaast. Coming Out involves a lot of psychological horror that speaks to my experience having my plurality/madness be intertwined with my gender, and Fall Apart genuinely helped me start learning to accept the way my medical transition went, even though it wasn't exactly how I planned.

The Evening Hour - Carter Sickels

I picked up this book because it was written by the author of my favorite short story in The Collection. every single sentence is pointed and meaningful, in ways that remind me of my own writing during early drafts, where the most important thing I needed to be on paper was the emotional beats. despite never following many characters the same way the main character, Cole Freeman, is followed, they all feel developed enough for you to understand that the world does not revolve around the narration, but continues on past it. the way it incorperates its thematic elements into the story is beautifully done, especially in regards to Pentecostalism. it made me realize I needed to incorperate religion into my own work way more, and gave me a special appreciation for rural communities/small towns.

Defying Doomsday - published by Twelfth Planet Press

I found this book in my hunt for anthologies. given the fact that my first major project is primarily about disabled people living through the apocalypse, I was happy to find that this is not an untapped well, and that there is an audience for these kinds of stories. I was also happy to find that these type of stories really do lend themselves to leftist ideology and a feeling of hope that a lot of more mainstream apocalypse stories are lacking.

my favorite short stories in it are "Something in the Rain" by Seanan McGuire and "Portobello Blind" by Octavia Cade. Something in the Rain features a main character that has the same diagnoses as one of my main characters (and me), and I was thrilled to see such a different interpretation of how someone with schizophrenia and autism would adapt to the end of the world. Seanan McGuire's website is also what inspired me to make this one, because one of the things that made me hesitate to make a website was the idea that it had to be as modern and lifeless as all the famous authors' websites I have seen in the past. Portobello Blind is a little more down-to-earth in a way that I wish more stories about disability were, where it's not about overcoming every single obstacle and learning to thrive, but having small triumphs that are meaningful all the same. that experience is a bit more reflective of my own life, as I never really achieved the success that I set out to, but I found something else that gave me a sense of purpose a little closer to my limitations.

Manga

Fullmetal Alchemist - Hiromu Arakawa

Fullmetal Alchemist is the first manga I ever read, and unfortunately, it ruined me for other manga by being the best of the best. I've probably reread it 4 times throughout my life, and with each reread, I understand a bit more of the themes and messages than I did the last time. it was essentially a starting point for my anti-war, anti-authoritarian beliefs, all while still being a fun, action-packed story with a lot of heart. it also almost got me into chemistry, but I ended up failing that section of eighth grade and didn't try again.

Nonfiction Books

Confessions of a Sociopath - M.E. Thomas

a friend recommended this book when I was coming to terms with my antisocial personality. it's an authentic, brutally honest piece about the author, flaws and all. there were times where I could relate to what she described and times where I absolutely could not, and the best part about this book is that anyone that reads it can have that kind of experience, regardless of neurology. it helped me gain a better understanding of who I am and feel less isolated, both by giving me words to describe what's going on and emphasizing the fact that everyone is going to have some of these traits (and that's not inherently a bad thing!)

The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel van der Kolk

I spent years researching DID and trauma through a very specific clinical lens after I got diagnosed, and that really warped my perspective on who I am and how "mental illness" can present. when I finally had a therapist that actually treated me as a whole person with trauma, I asked her if she had any suggestions for books, she said that the Body Keeps the Score was all I'd ever need. this was the book that guided me towards my psychiatric abolition stance, not because it's actually about psychiatric abolition, but because it highlights the flaws in our current medical model for mental healthcare and presents humanizing alternatives. I'm so glad I read it, because without it, I would still be defining myself first by the oppressive diagnostic terms that were slapped on me rather than terms that empower me.

All of Me - Kim Noble

I genuinely would not be the writer I am today without this book, and I think that anyone who is interested in truly, deeply understanding what it means to experience systemhood without internal communication should read it. because my first experience with other plurals was relegated to a very small space full of social media users with DID, a large amount of the content I read from DID systems were about the personalities, who they are and how they interact. All of Me isn't about having multiple personalities; it's about living in a world where things just happen or change without the author really knowing why for most of her life, but having to make sense of it and survive it all the same. this was very much my experience growing up, and though I have internal communication and a deeper connection with my alters now, some part(s) of me still dissociatively stumble through life.

Games

999: 9 Hours, 9 Persons, 9 Doors and Zero Escape: Virtue's Last Reward

I played 999 around the time I had my psychotic break at fifteen years old--needless to say, it latched onto my brain pretty hard. the Zero Escape series was the start of my love for alternate timeline stories, along with story-driven games that incorporate the medium itself into the plot. the DS versions of these games involve a lot of reading, but the remastered version that adds voice acting loses what made the split-screen part of the gameplay so special. there are probably more subtle nods to ZE in my writing than I even know about, ranging from elements of the plot itself to how I approach storytelling.

I hated Zero Time Dilemma, though. in general, these games got more bizarre and far-fetched with each one. I recommend 999 for anyone that likes visual novels/story games with horror elements, so long as you're fine with a bit of autistic infodumping. VLR is a bit more of an acquired taste, but I still love it, plotholes and all.

The Walking Dead (Seasons 1-4)

The Walking Dead was the first game I played in college, after years of having my access to things like video games and the internet in general be heavily restricted. along with giving me something to look forward to when I was incredibly depressed, it shaped my first major writing project and all the additional series that are going to come out of it. in a sea of zombie media that often reflects fascist-leaning ideals, TWDG's focus on love, redemption, and the kinds of characters that are overlooked in much of apocalyptic fiction is powerful. on a game design level, the first season in itself was genre-changing for the adventure games. I wasn't the biggest fan of S2, but S3 and S4 are incredibly good, despite what some obnoxious gamers say about it.

Until Dawn

I'll be honest--one of the primary reasons I love this game so much is because I hate the game director David Cage. as you might've been able to tell, games where your choices change the story are a special interest of mine. I obsess over every garbage game that comes out of Quantic Dream, and one of the things that made me love Until Dawn is that it did exactly what Quantic Dream fails to do. there are no "game overs" in Until Dawn, but there's also no unsatisfying endings. it's funny, it's tense, and there's something at stake with almost every prompt. though it dips into a lot of cliches, some more flawed than others, it finds a way to subvert them in interesting ways. it didn't hit me the way the above games did, but it didn't have to. sometimes, I just like a little horror slop.

Toontown Rewritten

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Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Sky

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Movies

Nope

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Annihiliation

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Saw

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Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse / Across the Spiderverse

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Cloverfield

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TV Shows/Anime

Better Call Saul

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Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

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Smiling Friends

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Youtube Channels

Hbomberguy

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Wizards with Guns

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Boy Boy

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Izzzyzzz

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Lily Alexandre

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STRANGE ÆONS

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How to Cook That

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William Osman / William Osman 2

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I did a thing

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Bands/Musicians

YOASOBI / Ayase

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Caravan Palace

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Eve

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IDKHOW

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Trickle

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Carter Vail

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