My Faith

Why?

up until I was fourteen or fifteen, I believed in the abstract concept of a singular, all-powerful God, but I wasn't raised to believe any specific religion and didn't know anything about doctrine. the one thing I was told to believe was that Jesus was a very good person that we should aspire to, but he wasn't the son of God. I didn't know what praying was supposed to be like, so I only prayed for miracles, which of course led to me losing my faith when God didn't help me during my most desperate moment.

I was never a "facts and logic" type atheist, but I still have this part of me that often thinks, "well, you know that isn't really true, right?" whenever I give respect to my more unconventional beliefs. this part is also psychology-inclined and believes it's unhealthy for me to engage with what it views as psychosis. it isn't curious to know why I would choose to believe something that can't be proven using science, so I figured I'd explain that here, for the sake of meeting this part and anyone like it in the middle.

I was thinking about synchronicity, the interconnectedness of all things, and alternate timelines long before I knew to call them spiritual beliefs. because of that, they got labeled as part of my psychosis. I took pills and constantly told myself that none of it was real, but the beliefs never went away. I simply taught myself to think that my way of connecting things was wrong, so I stopped feeling good about my place in the world. this led to me developing delusions and paranoia that actually made my life worse. the only way I could make sense of the interconnectness of all things not being real was by believing that the world stopped existing past my perception of it. I thought I was in a simulation because I wasn't allowed to just see the world for what I thought it was. wouldn't it just be better for me to believe something kinda weird than to completely disconnect from any semblance of reality because I'm not allowed to?

I had a near-death experience in college that involved me being pulled backwards out of my body towards a distant light somewhere behind my head. up until that point, my life had just been a never-ending downward spiral from as far back as I could remember. I needed something to change, and one of the things I hadn't tried already was genuine faith, not just the passive stuff I believed as a kid. I chose not to listen to my agnostic/atheist friends that tried to explain the light as something neurological and took a bunch of "what religion am I" quizzes until it recommended Unitarian Universalism. I've seen Christians joke about my religion being more of a book club than anything else and yeah, that's fair, but that's what I like about it. what I wanted more than anything was community, not a set of rules to follow. unlike my non-religious friends, no UU tried to tell me what really happened during my near-death experience. it doesn't matter whether that light behind my head was the force of the universe pulling me in or a neurological thing. what matters is that it helped me find a space full of like-minded people who accept me for who I am and want the world to be a better place in the same way that I do.

I understand the instinct to push away religion as a collection of fantasy stories that justify bigotry, but I really implore anyone that considers themselves scientifically-minded to think a little harder about it. as someone that's very into science, I don't think that spirituality is ascientific. in our pursuit of scientific knowledge, however, we've created rules for testing that spirituality can't fit into, often intentionally, and the people who are uncomfortable with religion use that to argue it's all a hoax or mass delusion. if I were to stop using spiritual language to describe my beliefs and go back to telling myself it's not real, the experiences that made me believe them will still be here, left unexplained. someone can be struggling to make a decision about something in private, go to their place of worship for a regular service, and be given the answers through symbolism that their faith leader would have no way of knowing was applicable to them. rituals that burn herbs and draw from supposed crystal energy can't literally warp the fabric of reality, and yet a practicing witch still notices how a luck spell they've cast changes their life. you can say it's about seeing patterns that aren't really there, but you can't say why the decisions they lead to are so profound and fufilling. there is more to a spiritual belief than the feeling that it's true. doesn't that make you curious?

Shared Values

I'm a Unitarian Universalist, and usually when I tell people that I have some explaining to do. yes, we have a Sunday service in a church, but no it is not Christian. Unitarian Universalism is a religion without dogma or creed. instead, we all believe in six shared values. I am not going to explain what each of those mean in a broad sense, you can read about that here, but I will talk about what each of them mean to me.

Interdependence relates to my view on synchronicity, the interconnectedness of all things and the holistic approach I need to understand them. there's a spiritual force of the universe and that's what ties everything together. the pastoral prayer we do in Sunday service calls more on this feeling than anything related to God as a figure.

Pluralism is about accepting and embracing diversity. UU is an incredibly progressive religion; my church is full of people with all different faiths (Jews, Pagans, Christians, etc) as well as atheists and agnostics. we celebrate a wealth of holidays and cultural practices, so long as there's someone in the church that personally practices those things to avoid cultural appropriation. my church is full of trans people, many of which are actual church staff, and I'm not even the only neopronoun user!! while I still sometimes slip back into old shut-in habits, I know that my church is a safe place to talk about my unconventional beliefs without being judged.

Justice means we work towards making the world a better place. for me, faith and politics are inseperable. back when I was part of my local DSA, it was painfully obvious how hindered they were by the usual big tent leftist organization issues, and they lacked the kind of community was looking for. my church fufills all my needs while doing a lot of the same work in regards to social justice, but from a place of love and compassion always.

Transformation is one of the other things that makes UU such a progressive faith, but the adaption to an ever-changing world also happens in a personal level. my church has a lot to say about loving our imperfect selves and growing with each other, and that's what I'm all about. I'm not perfect and never have been, but I take a lot of comfort in my willingness to grow, and knowing that I'm surrounded by people who feel the same way is really encouraging.

Generosity isn't just about giving, but being grateful and having hope. the most important thing for me as a leftist is to have hope be the driving force behind my actions, because while I understand why the average leftist would feel hopeless about the state of things, I just collapse if I think there's no point. I'm very grateful for life now that I've climbed out of the hole that is chronic suicidality and alcoholism, even though my life circumstances don't allow me to completely thrive, and I want to give my joy to others as best as I can.

Equity and the inherent worth of every person is a pretty easy thing for me to get behind. I've been trying to understand and empathize with my enemies ever since I was a kid and it's one of the things that supports my beliefs as a prison abolitionist. as a very flawed person, I can't believe that I personally have the right to love and compassion unless it's something I think everyone deserves. if one of us is chained, none of us are free.

Sources

I have some pretty eclectic beliefs. I sometimes joke that my religion is Zero Escape and Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, but it draws from a lot of different things.

Randomness and Synchronicity - part of my practice involves working on letting myself go with the flow of the universe and see where it takes me, knowing that I'll always end up where I need to be. random events, signs, and symbols can actually be very meaningful in a spiritual sense. I try to mindfully observe and notice the small, indirect connections between things that are not linked by causality without trying to give it meaning based on what I already know.

Branching Timelines - I don't deny the existence of a multiverse where anything is possible, but I personally only connect with the idea of a multiverse of alternate timelines that branch from moments where something makes a meaningful decision. I used to have visions of my own alternate timelines, but the problem with that was that I struggled to tell the difference between visions and scary maladaptive daydreams, so all it did was make me really paranoid. the literal existence of alternate timelines isn't a huge part of my spirituality anymore, but it is the source of my hope. even when it feels like we're in a bleak part of history, I know there are worlds where we got it all right, which means the path we're on right now isn't set in stone either.

Intuition - I hesitate to call my intuition "predicting the future" because I have never been able to predict literal events, only the emotional moments that come with specific events or future spiritual growth. I sometimes have visions of emotionally-charged memories shortly before something that prompts the same kind of emotional reaction happens again. the visions are vivid and intense like a flashback, but the difference is that I don't have flashbacks unless there is a really big trigger and the visions feel completely random/often unrelated when they happen... plus, the memory dredged up is rarely one I consider traumatic anyway. future spiritual growth comes out through my writing, as there are many times where I'll reach a point in my first draft and register that the growth it requires to move forward is directly linked to something in personal life that I couldn't have known would occur when I first started writing the part. I don't think this experience is unique to me, as we're all capable of intuition whether we're spiritual about it or not. some people's gut instincts just come with visions and some don't.

Divination - I practice divination through cartomancy specifically, though I'm pretty careful about it, as it's another thing I struggle not to apply my own meaning to. I prefer to use my cards to more deeply understand understand my journey, myself, or past events rather than trying to make sense of the future. my intuition doesn't go very far ahead so whatever guidance I get is for today and tomorrow.

Gender Duality - I don't really know how to explain it yet, but I know that it's spiritually important for me to embody traits of both masculinity and femininity rather than a neutrality between them. I've been invited into gender-segregated but otherwise welcoming faith spaces before and I always have to decline for this reason. while I'm normally fine assuming the role of a man for cis people that don't get it, I just can't do it while I'm connecting with the spirit of the universe.

Plurality - my personalities, parts, characters, as well as the immaterial places they exist in are the vehicle of my spiritual growth. I grow by learning to understand them, working with them, and providing them happy endings. I've talked plenty about the importance of symbolism already and the inner worlds my parts exist in are full of it.

Big Questions

the idea of "big questions" comes up at my church sometimes, which are faith-based questions that Unitarian Universalism won't answer for you. I decided to collect a bunch of them here so I can answer them myself. I have left out any questions that would be related to morality, sin, or divine judgement because Unitarian Universalism is very clear about there not being a vengeful God or eternal suffering. if you also have an eclectic faith and find this kind of thing interesting, you're free to use these questions for whatever you want, no credit needed.

What is the meaning of life?

I think the meaning of life is to make your own meaning :3

to connect with the world around me, as well as finding inner peace/unity through that connection.

I believe in a spiritual force of the universe, things like love and fate and connection, but I don't call it "God" because I really can't view it that way without thinking of a guy in the sky that I could just talk to. this spiritual force actually doesn't play a big role in my faith by name, it's just the backdrop that explains everything else I believe.

mindfulness, talking to myself, and spending alone time in nature connects me to the universe. I don't think a spiritual force can be communicated with and trying to do so makes me get in my head about it.

on my service dog's last birthday, she was too old and anxious about the other dogs to run around in the snow at the dog park. when I see visions of her in the afterlife, she's running around in a snowy field by herself, having the time of her life. I don't think I could really describe what happens after we die because I don't think it's something a living person could comprehend, but I know I'll get to run around with her there in the end, and that's all that really matters to me.

I once went to a Kardec Spiritists group, where they talked about their belief in reincarnation for the sake of spiritual growth. I think if there is reincarnation, it's probably like that, but I also think we'd get to choose whether we want to reincarnate again or not.

I don't really know anything about my ancestors, so that doesn't play a huge role in my faith. my service dog sometimes presents herself through signs, symbols, and just the comforted feelings I'd get if she was around. she also sometimes visits me in dreams, and I once visited her in the spirit realm around Halloween. I appreciate her presence, but intentionally trying to draw spirits in isn't part of my faith because I firmly believe in just letting them come to me and I'd get in my head about it if I tried anyway.

with signs and symbols, it changes depending on where I'm at in life. I feel particularly drawn to the moon and local wildlife because I associate it with my dog, as those were the things that first communicated to me that her spirit was still with me. nature is probably the best place to be in terms of spirituality, I don't know if I'd use the word sacred but it's important. I don't believe any particular figures are sacred but I think revolutionary leftist faith leaders should be listened to much like one would listen to a prophet.

writing is the most direct way I grow in a spiritual sense, as an extension of my plurality. going to church and spending time with other people who are also on a spiritual journey is a big deal though it feels a little odd calling that a practice because it has more do with community than my individual sense of spirituality. there's also divination and mindfulness, but those aren't an every day thing.